I know it has been a while....

Hi Blog,

I know it has been a while since I have written to you . But what can I do ...life has been having its major ups and downs...more confusion actually than any particular up or down...so i see the last time that i had written was on june 27...what happened since that weekend....well that weekend i had just returned from my trip to dublin which of course alot of fun...that week i had decided i will not plan on going anywhere cause it is simply not worth it if i have to rush it and possibly create a negative rapport...we do not want that now do we...so that week was pure hell...on my project we were going through assembly test script and data cleansing...and boy did we cleanse these scripts...i do not think i have ever worked as hard as i did last night not even in the worst of insane situations....i apologize to all of the people that i have been rude...i truly am not a rude person but i am human right and it happens...one of the things i need to work on is not letting other things get to me...and just live in the moment...so that was the week that i also went to see my new place with my two roomies binta and carol (she seems a bit fishy)...so the new place is alot closer to work than my old place and it is a flat instead of a house...one of the things i love about this new place is that all the rooms are about the same size and there is livelihood compared to the serene sounds of bird rubmling..instead i get to hear the loud noises of drunken boys at night and the trucks in the morning...but it is all good...reminds me of being back home ..:)...so the weekend finally rolls around and guess what i am in no mood to fly anywhere or do anything ...i just want time to myself...my friend jackie and i go shopping and have a blast ...i can not wait to wear one of the items that i had purchased...never go shopping like that again but you know we an indulge once in awhile especially after a long week...we ran into the gay parade that was happening in the soho section of london...never seen so many men at one time..my friend and i were just laughing away...had some good chinese food in chinatown...i needed something different and tasty away from my usual in take of cereal...and then afterwards we just randomly decided to see a play on our ways back to the subway (underground) station...we wound upo watching when harry met sally which is so cute...basically coming down to best friends are the best lovers and i agree...having a best friend who can also be my husband...it is the best feeling in the world...a man that love for who you are and not because of how you look or the materials you own......so sunday i moved in to my new flat and settled in a bit...first thing on monday morning i get locked into the building of my flat...it must be some curse that removes positive energy from living in a nice quaint town.....but all is well after knocking on some little old women's homes...i was bit pissed but i know whoever reads this will start laughing and say something like it can only happen to dimple...lol...so today is wednesday and work has slowed just a bit ...i am kind of catching up on stuff that i had missed in doing...such learniung how to laugh.....until yesterday i got the e-mail from my friend kris....my heart dropped and maybe fall into this dark whole that makes me wonder what to do ....and how to do it ...but i know i will be there for her ...she needs me now the most ...after dinner last night with some coworkers i made sure i speak to kris and get the full story...i realized last night that some people that you work with are capable of being friends with you...

100 Sheds of Tear for 1 Giggly Laugh

Someone of you may be wondering why I have not written in my blog in over a week, well this blog will give you the highlight of all. i have never felt so empty in my entire life as i do today ...i hate the fact that i am not good in expressing my feelings..they are so bundled up i am not sure even where to start to talk about them. C always tells me to talk about my feelings but as hard as i try ...last week i wanted to cry and i did a couple of times, my birthday my 24th birthday was last monday and i felt so lonely thought i had so many friends around to cut a cake for me and go out after work...but i felt so empty that i could not cry nor could i laugh..i just wanted to get the day over with ...i know i only turned 24 but i suddenly felt as though i was turning 30...i did not even tell so many of my coworkers of my birthday, i just suddenly did not want to make a big deal of it when i usually do every year...that night i felt more relieved than ever knowing the worse is probably over...and the sucky part is that i had to work till late ...there seems to be no leniency in the team that i am on..we are always posed for deadlines which really sucks...but oh well that is life right ..complain and keep moving ...so tuesday my friends/coworkers cut a cake for me which was really sweet of them and they did it when i was least expecting it ...extremely sweet of them...tuesday was also a project meeting ...one of the huge ones and we were told by my manager that he would like for us not to go and finish some work...i was a little disappointed but whatever i do not have the power in me to argue...and i am not going to it is certainly not worth it..it is nice to know that two of oldest friends that i have dearly known since first day of highschool forgot my birthday . i could not have felt more hurt...when i needed my friends the most these two just got caught up in their worlds...it is true what they say when you have a significant other you tend to forget your friends...i am not saying that i have been the perfect friend, but i think i am there when someone needs me..oh well...my bad luck that i am feeling this...i am not sure why i am getting so emotional these days...but i am ...is my body changing as i am changing mentally...so wednesday i wrote to these people and i certainly got a response back..but i am not ready to talk to them yet..i am not a sympathy case...i am where i am today because of my decisions not because of anyone other than my parents and GOD...the rest of the week was blah and just plan old busy...england lost the football (soccer) game against portugal..so the english were quite sad.but oh well it is only a game get over it ...friday comes around and it is the busiest day of my life...my team lead is sick and i am the temp dba for the day...no one know what db is the finished version since my team lead is the main dba and he does the packaging and there is so much confusion within everyone else...why can not people just communicate properly instead of that he said she said crap..it really is crap...i was leaving for ireland that afternoon and of course talk of working the weekend comes along and i am like no way not the one weekend i need to leave and i spent the other two weekends roaming london...such bad luck...because of this 3 pm meeting i missed my flight and had to fight with these people to putme on the next one after paying 40 pounds which is bloody 80 dollars...so i finally get to dublin settle into my hotel..which is okay not worth the money i paid though but that is what i get for doing everything last minute...i will get better at that i promise...so i had dinner with my friend ashish who is working in dublin but he is from india..great guy hilarious..it was fun, nice to see a familiar face in an unknown area...the next day i did all the touristy things with my friends pentony, paula, and jenny..it was so much we were just cracking up roaming around the city...in the evening all of us including the girls and ashish and satya this other guy from bombay just hung out and went from place to place..i had not had that much in a while and it was all worth it...i was little crazy though i think..i think i said a few weird things cause i remember cracking up like anything...and now i am back in my hotel room contemplating doing work work..but it has to be done ...

So as the World Turns...

So here it goes...so the last time i wrote was on tuesday the day this mad party/barbeque that i attended at my old house...one of the guys from the firm has left the project and of course the firm...you ask why rumour has it that the laddering results affected him too when he is one of the most humourous people around...well let us say that he is a bit towards sexual connotation and much slang...but he is so funny and such a great guy ...he used to be my team lead....he actually remind me minnie me...does anyone call...you better...whoever i tell that too thinks about it for a second and then is like you are so right ...well work was a short day yesterday left at about 7 pm..had some good food and conversation...it is weird seeing my old shine with someone else's ownership..not that i miss it cause it is like a mile away from the train station...so work was of course busy as ever...no social life during the day...actually i did go to lunch with my friend rajdeep and just had italian food...yes i can treat myself once in a while and indulge in some good food over cereal or maggie noodles...not that i don't like that stuff but variety is good right ...raj (that is what we call her as nickname) just talked not even work talk which was good...it was a fun lunch though i was like struggling the rest of the evening...it is all good ...don't do it everyday..today was not so bad as i was just fixing defects that were identified by our system...and let me tell you something ...some of them are freaking awfully hard...i do my best ...and that was my day...no can someone suggest how i can make my day more worthwhile...4 more days till i turn 24...why can we not just stop time after we are 18 and feel young 4ever...i hate the fact the older i get the pressure just bloats away...i try to be as positive as possible but you begin to wonder are you satisfied with the food you eat, with the clothes you wear, where you live , etc...not that i am depressed or anything ...but i been giving life more credit that i have been and it is about time...i am way too young...any suggestions on how to live life...be my guest

Talk about an Attachment..

okay so the last time i posted was on a sunday and today is tuesday so i have two bloody days to talk about ...woohoo...promise not to get gory or obnoxious on all of ya...so sunday was a somewhat of a pleasant day...mr. c is definetly the most patient and understand person i have met in my life...i seriously swear..i drove to utter confusion but he still kept his cool...man i need some patience like that ...i thought i had some at one point in my life but now i am just utterly confused...can someone out there hear me...oh please answer... hellooooooo...so since the last posting was on a sunday that meant that monday was work...my week started off with me having this look of confusion and madness..seriously do not ask why ...if i knew i would not have had it ..so i come into work and this security dude tells me and a few other folks that we need to delete all of our messaging applications..comeon get real...and my freaking laptop will not connect to the internet cause the phone line connected to my telephone is messed up..i have already notified the feds and they are fully aware of it ...but are they doing anything ..obviously not if within two days i still do not have internet access on my laptop..sorry for all those i talk to everyday from the wee morning to late at night ...just remember...I AM GOD...lol..just teasing ... so we have all these data issues that are forever piling up ...can someone just explain why ...but of course the smart alleck that i am i get the hardest ones ...i probbaly will turn 24 even before my birthday..so the rest of the day was just alright ...what did i have for good ol dinner...cereal which i really do not mind cause helps me feel a bit more relaxed...yeah i know it is weird but i am just a weird girl..got to see my friend vik last night he just came back from barcelona and a stagdude party ..yeah yeah what the hell is that ..,from my american friends that is a bachelor party...you know when they get so drunk and look for naked women...lol..nah he ain't like that ..not that i know of...but we talked for a few and then i am off to my night of television...

so come tuesday morning .i have breakfast with some of my indian folks and off to work and day goes by like yesterday ..how monotone some days get ....

my indian friends have just from india..mad cool and mad smart..they need to transfer some of that information..that is the thing with indians they like to hog it all..

till next time..i need some dinner..

Can Life get any more Hard...

i want to first start off by apologizing about a few things....first of all..this blog probably will go against all rules of the english...but i do not really care right now cause i need to express my thoughts. secondly, i have to apologize about not writing a blog in the past couple of days...there are times when your hands just do not move anymore..but no worries they are moving now..lol...so lets start i wrote the last blog describing my trip back to the united kingdom...well things just get worse don't they...at my firm, we have process called laddering where they rank all the employees of the same level...so all the analyst are rated against one another ...similar to college ranking ...except this has more actions following it including raises and such ...so of course management is so F**** up they forget to give me laddering results cause i had change scopes or phases...so finally i asked the head manager and she apologizes and all but that is white trash for you ...everything is so fake...i am probably saying all this cause i am still so bitter...so finally my direct manager has a discussion with me and of course this is where true reality of different cultures emerges...he is a german a strict one too ...he has a different scope of a typical work life compares to americans...and they are so much more sarcastic not even funny..their jokes seem more insulting than funny ...so he tells my rating which i am totally fine with cause that is what people get within my level but what pissed me off was the rank ....i am not going to say cause i am not happy with it at all after all the stuff i do ..true that i do things with my own willingness but that is not mean it does not recognized...shit i am far more knowlegdeable than half the bloody people...and basically this firm is F**** hypocrite..tell us to express your feelings and then tell us to be fake...what the hell...you are not really allowed to express how you feel..true you should take everything as concrete criticism...but not everything is possible at that point...i was on the verge on crying /yelling at that point but i have gained much control...i think this freaking bloody corporate world is going to teach me how to be patient with life and with people the most.....no wonder i drink so much tea during the day...i love my job do not get me wrong ..it challenges me and i need that ...but i did not know people are like that ...i just did not understand how people that do not know me can be able to rank me...they do not 100% of what i do and how i do it...oh well i am going to use all this to become a better person...i swear ......okay so that was thursday ...friday was not such a bad day as i had a good night's sleep ...so took it pretty easy on friday and was able to talk mr. c at night and also just surf the internet for deals like i been planning on doing...but before i forgot to mention how the top executive had pulled me and arjun in for software that was being tracked on our desktops...so tell me something ...how can i be puilled for software that i have not used in months or weeks ...yet other people that use that same damn thing on a daily basis are not pulled in...is it cause my name is easy to get ....it seems as though this client is following all net activity ...but i have come to know that other actions by other people have caused this check up...let me tell you what this software is..it is trillian..the application that consolidates all messaging service...what the hell it is free and available on download.com..the other software that arjun was pulld in for me iPOD software that is also free...i do not understand all this ..it is as if i am trying to make sense of everything..but this is good i am getting a look at all this first hand and i come out of my little dilly dally happy go lucky shell..:)...
back to friday ...friday was normal called it a early night and to get ready for a busy day in london the next day ...saturday wake up and talked to mr. c for about an hour and then got ready and went to breakfast...though before getting ready i had to hang up on mr. c cause time was ticking and we were just not able to hang up like normal people do ....so saturday i decided to go to the swaminarayan mandir in neasden , london...and it took foreever to look for it but when i finally found it ...it wa so worth it ...the mandir is just beautiful and well worth the trip...there is so much security at the place though ...well that is okay i can understand after i went through it ..the people are very friendly there too...i wound up buying all this ayurvedic stuff that i hope it helps cause i really need to have a better control on weight , stress, and muscle joints and all that .....i will let ya know after a week or so...so then i decided that i wanted to go greenwich doclands...which is about 5 miles from london...and this place is really nice...i took a ferry down there and it was just beautiful...i wish i had done it sooner...stupidly though most of the places were closed there...such things as the national maritime museum and the royal observatory......but i did see the cutty sark...which is a ship and it was very cute quite different from all the other ships i have seen like the vasa and the hms belfast...so i decided to go this noodle place after looking at all the other places in area...everything seemed fine with the food and all and had my japanese tea with it ...until i came down feeling i was going to throw up and had a headache..which really sucked...before i forget as i am looking for the mandir on saturday this desi guy sees me with a map to find this temple and stops and tries to give me directions and then says why don;t you hop in i can give you a ride...what the hell i am not going to go off with some stranger...but it is okay i followed GOD's route to GOD...so on saturday evening i was supposed to hang out with a few people..but i did not feel so hot and all the plans did not happen anyway so it is good thing caause i do not feel so bad...so today is sunday and i am seating in the executive lounge of my hotel writing this blog...this morning it was so funny ordering breakfast was certainly a project..they kept forgetting some of the things that i had ordered and kept wanting to charge me for it seriously..but it is okay it happens i am not gonna go and yell or anything ... i should go out today and i think i will probably for a walk or even run..need to get into shape and seriously..

till next time...

Tough day, Here I Come...

okay here it goes, i finally get a bloody chance to write in this blogmajig...so today is wednesday june 9,2004 and it is the day after i come back to the uk after spending 10 days at home..i swear i must have a very high level of tolerance for me to last as long as i did...so i have a pretty tough flight with turbulence and trying to sleep approximately 4 hours before i am due in to work. so starting off i get a stupid middle seat which i absolutely hate cause i get claustrophobic so i had to fight my way with the continental agents and sort of be all conceited and say i am an elite member i do not get middle seats....so finally the woman with the attitude realized that she had one in the last row and it was aisle seat..that is fine and all as long as i am not bugging the hell out of anyone else and that i can freely move on about ..you know what i mean???!!!!...so finally i get into london and make my way through immigration and boy is there a line everyone and their mother decided to go to london that particular day...so i find my bags and crawl up to the hilton hotel and check in...the woman has the nerve to tellm e that i am still at the silver level and that i am getting a smoking room...or i would have to wait for housekeeping to clean...the last thing i need is to wait around...all i want to do is shower and make my way to work...so i had held some bags with the concierge and because one of the guys forgot to place a ticket, i almost died thinking one of my bags was lost or even stolen...but luckily i told the guy just bring me what you have and i will come down and look on my way out..

so finally i get ready and a bit settled in and my way back to the concierge..
found my bag and told them i will pick it up in the evening...so i head my way into work all dazed and confused as if it was my first day...come into my desk and realize that my blackcurrant and apple squash is gone...who stole?/?...so i ask around and no one knows until the thief confesses and tells me that he has a gift for me...i can not wait to see what it is ...i have gotten word that it is my something that i will like...i am pretty sure it is soy milk,,yum...had a very late lunch typical sanwich and fruit and then go through my e-mail and do more data loading...what fun i swear...i should not be so sarcastic...i am really liking what i am doing ...it is pretty challenging and i need that for my sanity ... but sometimes there is just so much pressure that i can not take it anymore...been wanting to cry but you know what my thinking is whatever does not kill me will just make me a stronger person...so did i tell you i love blogging it is like writing to a person that is possibly sitting right in front of you but no response back...
so yesterday i been trying to leave forever it is as if deadlines has no concerns for people's well being considering my throat was itching and then i just wanted to simply sleep in a bed...or anywhere would have been okay at that point...

so i finally make it back to my hotel room at about 9 pm and ate cereal and some of a falafel.that i brought from home..on the teli they have this bollywood star show..and it was pretty cool...it was was like that show that we have in the us where they try to find a good singer..i think it is pop stars but this is bollywood version...why is it hard for indians everywhere...are people jealous or they simply dislike indians...i get the feeling it is cause sometimes are just so F*** fake...not to say other nationalities are not but i get it more from indians..ljust say what it is that you belief...whether in writing or email...but darn it just say it dont talk about behind someone ..ya know what i mean...

well i did not call my family last night as i was just so tired...talked to chirag for a bit but even then i was falling asleep..i feel really bad and i want to talk but i can not help myself..as much as i tell myself to stay awake i just can;t ...i wonder what it is ..cause i been doing this for some time now..maybe i am truly just exhausted..thanks chirag for undestanding...i know it hurts you ..but don;'t take it to heart...i will get to the bottom of this...

so this morning wow yesterday was long...i come in to the office and all i am doing is fixing defects which is fine and all ..but after a while it can get lame...and i can;t even appear doing anything else cause i can be in big SHIT
but basicallyt that was my day...seems short but it is yay long...

hoping to leave in 20 min...wish me luck

It can Only Happen 2 Me

So considering that I have set up an account on this blogspot thing a while back, this happens to be my first entry. why you may ask? i wish i only knew..it seems like my priorities tend to the change everyday..i sometime am driving on rt 1 (this highway is long as hell) and simply wonder ..where does all my time go...what am i really doing that i am always running out of time...and what i am doing that i am so exhausted at midnight ..you know i am young and full of energy and yet i always fall asleep on mr.cheeru aka my cheeru...if it was not for his understanding demeanor . i could have lost him so long ago...he has made me realize and forget all or any pain that i have ....love ya man...

this weekend (the weekend before i go back to the uk) has been quite interesting. so i got to hang out with some of my girls mamta, maya, and sherri...they are such sweethearts...we wind up going around princeton university and just shopping and had a light dinner..but the best part is that we got to talk ...i had not really talked to or seen maya in ages..and i think moments like this are much needed...just to vent and notice that everyone is going through similar experiences in life....sherri is literally a sweetheart ...i do not know her that well but as we all meet more..i amgetting to understand what kind of girl she is...definetly someone i would love to be good frineds with ,...mamta, what would i do without mamta..this girl has seen so many sides of me...and always given me her ear to listen...

this was all saturday but before that , friday igot together with my best and oldest friend krishna ...(kay2fine) ...this girl has been with me through thick andthin.and through our bondage through tazo chai we just chit chatted away and of course shopped for me...while i say ying and she says yang , i was able to buy a few things ..with her approval of course...you would not believe that it was like 4 months since i have seen her..sometimes i wonder why do we have all have to give up our past for our future...lova ya girl...

the most horrible thing happened saturday after hanging out with mamta and crew, iwas supposed to meet up kishan for coffee at the starbucks in newport area in jersey city ...yet he was unable to find it ..and the most messed up part was that my battery literally died on me..i never thought that jersey city did not have that many phone booths..i always thought it was full of them...but oh well ...i think kishan is quite pissed off at me ...and i did look in some of the landmarks he was mentioing to me..but did not see his car...i tried calling him back a few times when i got home , but to my belief he did not pick up his phone, either he had no reception, was asleep, or is just too darn pissed off at me...and the guy came down from hasbrough heights too...such tough luck i swear...

today is sunday, and the weather is really very eeky..and now i have to go to the mall to the att store so i can solve this issue with my cell phone...i never realize how dependent i am on this little gadget.....i had the weirdest dreams last night that i actually was able to get it fixed and the funny thing is i thought it was so..but then when i turn on my phone , it is still dead...it is probably just the battery ..i hope it is ..i really don;t want to waste money on a new phone that i hardly use...
i just helped mom make some of the stuff for falafals. i made the chutney and blended the khiru that we use to make the vada...yum ..i love this stuff...
you know this whole week that i have been home from the UK...i enjoyed every moment of it ..did so much went to a sweet 16 party, bbqed, saw humtum , wentto dinner with my college buddies, went to atlantic city, went to the mall, went to princeton, and now just going to chill till tomorrow...the one person i wanted to see i could not,my best friend cheeru...it is okay ..i am working on it ..trying anyway...

let me see ,i think on a whole i did eveyrthing i wanted to do...and even was able to write this blog...

till next time..